The Real Me

You might have seen the filtered and bright parts of my life I chose to post on my Instagram, but that's only part of my life.

The rest I have been hiding away

in fear of someone judging me. Well, I'm done with hiding. 

I'm about to get really honest and personal.

Around three years ago I went through a horrible stage of depression. I had no friends, I was struggling in my faith, and with bad thoughts. The last one was the worst of all three. I couldn't stop myself from coming up with horrible scenarios and ugly thoughts. It was a battle throughout the day to keep it bottled up and not tell anyone.

My heart would beat painfully against my chest as thoughts of hurting myself and other people slipped into my mind. Where were these coming from? I didn't want to hurt anyone! I didn't want to hurt myself! I wanted to live a happy life with my family. I didn't want any of this!

Is God really real?

Well, is he?

Prove it...

It drained me. I didn't know what to do. Then, I broke and told my parents everything. They were scared, I was terrified. They called our pastor and he came over within the next few days. It helped me a lot.

Those thoughts were not me. I had to fight them. I had to fill my mind with good things. 

They eventually faded and my mind was at peace for a long while after that. But, last year it came again. It was not as bad as before, but still horrible. I hated those thoughts with a passion. But, still they whispered lies in my head.

Still they made me numb with utter fear and cry out tears of horror at what I was becoming. I just wanted to be normal.

"I just want to be normal."

I said it multiple times. That's all I wanted. The thoughts. The fear. I wanted them gone.

By this time we had moved to a different church. We hadn't been there long, but my parents are old friends of the pastor. They called him and he met us that week.

"Trying not to think about those thoughts will only make you want to think them. Fill your mind with good things."

What he said did help. I was given a piece of paper with encouraging Bible verses on it to look up. I used it for a little bit, but soon let it become a marker and forgot about it.

My Faith went up and down over the weeks. Just as soon as I thought I had a hold on my Savior's hand, I fell down. I couldn't see past that. I was only looking from my perspective. It was just how I could get back up on my own, how I could get past those thoughts, how I could keep my faith.

But, not long ago I realized something. It's not me who holds onto God. It's God who holds onto me. I wasn't the one who chose Him. He chose me, and has promised to never let me go.

For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord. {Romans 8.38-39}

The sheet filled with Bible verses was pulled back out. Notes were taped to the mirror with encouraging verses written on them. I wanted to try harder.

The thoughts of questioning God's existence have been coming back to me lately. Those slippery lies lingering in the back of my mind are trying to sink back into me.

Last night I had had enough. I read a blog post that had 10 verses to read if you tend to overthink. Then, I cried it out. It was then I decided to write this. 

It is time for me to take off the mask I've been wearing. To show the real flawed mess I am. 

It is time for me to fight back these thoughts with the power of God's Word. Today, I am throwing off my old self and putting on the armor of Christ.

Today, I will follow him.

So to keep me from becoming conceited because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited.

Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me.

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong. {2 Corinthians 12.7-10}