Lost

On the night of January 1st, 2017, my Dad went to be with the Lord.

There are so many emotions I've felt in the past month and a half. Emotions that dig deeply into my soul like a knife and make tears stream like blood. I have never felt so weak and helpless in my life.

These emotions are so violent and heart wrenching, it's taken away my identity. I can't remember who I was before this. It's forced me to become more raw. It's brought all my brokenness into the light so all can see how messed up I really am.

I get angry a lot more now.

Angry at people because they just can't understand the hurt I feel. Some days I think might be my last because I cannot bear the pain weighing down in my heart and closing up in my throat.

I want to pray about it and I want to draw near to the Lord. I know he is real and I know everything he says is truth. But why am I still hesitant, after all these years? I wish I could just say "Trust in God, he is the only way!" And give you a Bible verse to meditate on. The truth is, I know it's true but the simple truth no longer fixes me.

It feels like putting a bandaid over a bullet hole. There's probably more poetic and romantic ways I could put this. But, the world doesn't need more of that. It needs a little truth now and again. Here it is:

Sometimes life sucks.

It's hard, a painful hard. I wish it wasn't so hard for me. I wish I was out of this fog so I could help you with your problems, write a blog post that would encourage and uplift you.

I've thought a long time about writing a blog post. I thought about waiting until I was stable, until I wasn't so buried deep in these raw emotions. I wanted to come back saying I had found myself and had never been so sure and confident in who I was and who God is.

But, the truth is I am completely and utterly lost.

I have no idea what I'm doing, where I'm going, or how I'm going to do it. It's sometimes just hard to tell myself all I need to do right now is breathe.

Breathe in.

Breathe out.

Don't rush things.

Don't worry so much.

It's all in my head.

But, that's the problem.

Problems, I have way too many of them.

I'm not waiting until I'm better to come back.

I want this blog to show my journey so I can look back one day and see how far I've come.

I don't say any of these things to make people feel sorry for me, that's the last thing that I want. I want to be real and true. The small talk and forced smiles have gotten old to me.

No, I am not somebody who easily trusts or opens up easily.

This has forced me to become more open and raw. I can no longer hide behind a mask. Losing my Dad has made every wall and barrier fall away so I am exposed for who I really am: broken and lonely.

So, this is me.

This is blog is now my real, true, and honest story.