Hello.

I've spent the past six months going up and down an emotional roller-coaster. A lot of bad things have happened and a lot of good things have happened. At times, it's felt like there's been more bad than good, and that may be true. I wish I would have posted more here. I wish I would have kept this place as a journal to document my struggles. But, I didn't. And I can't change anything that has already happened.

When I started writing this, I desperately wanted to be able to jump right back into the blogger world of writing deep, amazing posts. I wanted to immediately get back into the blogging streak I was in, because blogging is fun. I've missed it so much. But, part of me says I should be here only to vent how I feel, to tell all of the dark and sad things I've had to face because of my depression. That part of me feels ashamed to come to be happy, to come back as the girl who loves gifs and writing in all caps.

You know what, I'm not going to hide who I am. Sometimes I'm going to be the sad girl who can only express herself through dark and poetic words, and other times I will be the happy girl who posts marvel gifs and yells excitedly about art and writing through words. I'm going to be whatever me happens to be here when I want to write a new post, be it the one who wants to rant, sing poetry, be a crazy fangirl, or share loads of pictures because words are just hard to write sometimes.

Today I can honestly say I am happy. I wouldn't say joyful, because that's something that stays in your heart even through the dark days. But, I've slowly been getting better, slowly rising to a place above the sea of depression and grief and loneliness. Yes, I lost my Dad now over six months ago. I don't cry as much as I used to, but then again more than I used to. I've grown, I've seen things, I've experienced things.

I went to Kenya. I even wrote a draft for a blog post about my trip. But, you know what? Even that's behind me now. My time there was amazing, don't get me wrong. But, today all I can think about is right now. All the things and opportunities that have finally come to my attention. I'm finally getting somewhere in my life where a month ago I thought I would never make it to the surface again.

I know some of you right now are either widening your eyes because, "Wait, wow, she went to Africa??" and some of you from Instagram are nodding your heads like, "Yes, remember the pictures. Tell us more!" So, I'll give you a little rundown, but nothing too long.

The children were everything. Everyone treated me like family. And as we drove down the dirt roads past the huts and children waving in the morning, then drove back to the guest house at night with stars tossed into the sky and the air kissing my tanned face as I gazed out the open window, I knew I was home. I felt it in my heart. This place was home. I want to go back so badly.

I will say there was a far share of drama that happened, and it all seemed to be hitting me full force while I was in the midst of it. But, that's all behind me now. And thankfully the bad memories are beginning to fade into only the happy one of the children and there smiling, bright faces.

You know, everyone loves to ask me about my trip. Even if I don't know the person well, they'll ask, "So, how was the trip?" It feels like a life time ago. I find it funny that it's the first thing people I hardly know want to ask me about. A part of me understands. I mean, it is a once in a lifetime experience not many ever get to have. But, so much has happened since then, the memories of my time there have started to get muddled over by the more recent things that have happened.

I'm in transition to adulthood. I've already experienced more trauma in my eighteen years that many young adult my age will ever face. It's something I hate a lot. I can't tell you how many times I've wished to be like the other blogger girls. These girls have perfectly aesthetic Instagrams, have already written a few books, are friends with a famous author, blog at least two times a week, and seem to have it all figured out. Okay, okay, I know you can be whoever you want to be on the internet and people like to share only the good stuff in their lives, but you know what I'm taking about.

It's alright. I'm a mess, and I'm embracing it now. I apologize if I'm not as funny, or witty, or awesome as the other bloggers out there, but this is me. One thing I've learned this past year is you have to be honest with yourself and others. My life is nowhere near perfect. I'm not going to college because it's not for me, I'm currently unemployed, I'm sitting in a messy room, and I slept in till eleven today. And you know what? It's okay.

My life is a mess and I've made hundreds of mistakes, but I'm still here. My faith in Christ is a constant battle of highs and lows and so is my fight for joy over depression, but I'm still here, believing and breathing. I may not be the best encouragement out there. I may not be strong in the faith or strong enough with words, but I am still here writing this post and you're still here (hopefully) reading it. I'm not here to brag, or boast, or show off how cool and rad my life is; I'm here to show that I am broken and you are to, and that's okay.

So, join me on this journey as a new chapter of my blog unfolds. Your brokenness, heartache, and pain is welcome here.

Lost

On the night of January 1st, 2017, my Dad went to be with the Lord.

There are so many emotions I've felt in the past month and a half. Emotions that dig deeply into my soul like a knife and make tears stream like blood. I have never felt so weak and helpless in my life.

These emotions are so violent and heart wrenching, it's taken away my identity. I can't remember who I was before this. It's forced me to become more raw. It's brought all my brokenness into the light so all can see how messed up I really am.

I get angry a lot more now.

Angry at people because they just can't understand the hurt I feel. Some days I think might be my last because I cannot bear the pain weighing down in my heart and closing up in my throat.

I want to pray about it and I want to draw near to the Lord. I know he is real and I know everything he says is truth. But why am I still hesitant, after all these years? I wish I could just say "Trust in God, he is the only way!" And give you a Bible verse to meditate on. The truth is, I know it's true but the simple truth no longer fixes me.

It feels like putting a bandaid over a bullet hole. There's probably more poetic and romantic ways I could put this. But, the world doesn't need more of that. It needs a little truth now and again. Here it is:

Sometimes life sucks.

It's hard, a painful hard. I wish it wasn't so hard for me. I wish I was out of this fog so I could help you with your problems, write a blog post that would encourage and uplift you.

I've thought a long time about writing a blog post. I thought about waiting until I was stable, until I wasn't so buried deep in these raw emotions. I wanted to come back saying I had found myself and had never been so sure and confident in who I was and who God is.

But, the truth is I am completely and utterly lost.

I have no idea what I'm doing, where I'm going, or how I'm going to do it. It's sometimes just hard to tell myself all I need to do right now is breathe.

Breathe in.

Breathe out.

Don't rush things.

Don't worry so much.

It's all in my head.

But, that's the problem.

Problems, I have way too many of them.

I'm not waiting until I'm better to come back.

I want this blog to show my journey so I can look back one day and see how far I've come.

I don't say any of these things to make people feel sorry for me, that's the last thing that I want. I want to be real and true. The small talk and forced smiles have gotten old to me.

No, I am not somebody who easily trusts or opens up easily.

This has forced me to become more open and raw. I can no longer hide behind a mask. Losing my Dad has made every wall and barrier fall away so I am exposed for who I really am: broken and lonely.

So, this is me.

This is blog is now my real, true, and honest story.