This is The Face Of A Girl Who Had NO Sleep Last Night

s/o to makeup for making me look not so ghostly and purple hair dye for disguising the greasiness of my hair and filters to cover the puffy eye bags

Hello my friends. I feel like it's been a while. I've wandered off in my own little world. There's a few things that have been on my mind, especially last night since sleep just wouldn't come. 

While the long night last night went on and on and I ran out of things to do, I started this book I got from my Pastor after graduating called, "Don't Waste Your Life." I had rolled my eyes dramatically and for the laughs as I received the book in front of the whole church while the other graduates received books on how to remain strong in your faith during college.

Yeah, I'm not going to college. But, that's a whole other subject and that's not what I'm here for today. Back to the book. I stored it away, thinking I'll just read it when I have time or later. Well, these past few months since graduation have been so hard. I went through a dark time of depression and hopelessness, and my days were filled with blank stares and hours of nothing. Nothing I used to do brought me joy. So, why do them? This was my attitude then, and it wasn't right.

This book made me realize something: I've lost six months of precious time. Yes, I have been mourning and working through the grieving process. But, there's so many hours I wasted on Youtube watching useless after useless video or scrolling through Instagram or sitting alone in my room or sleeping in till 11. I couldn't sleep after just reading the first few pages. It opened my eyes.

I only have one life before I'm gone from this world forever and all that's left of me here is what I've left behind. What will the things I've left behind say about me? I don't want it to be 1K followers on Instagram with hundreds of fake photos, or a Youtube history filled with useless and pointless videos. I want people to live and breathe the passions and emotions I felt through my writing and art. I want these things to connect with them, to make them feel loved. I want everyone who reads my blog, my books, and sees my art to know the person I was. A godly, loving, and real person.

I don't have time to live in a cardboard cut out life the world expects me to fit into. I want to live my life, not a life in my screen. I want to live my dreams and passions. I live to create and create for my creator.

I leave you with this question: What will the things you leave behind say about you?

Thoughts At 3 AM: Work and Time

You know what's awesome? God's Providence. It's what kept me tossing and turning tonight, drinking tea at 2 AM, reading a huge chunk of a book, then surfing on my phone and finding a really amazing blog.

After marveling over the blogger's witty writing style and drooling over how aesthetic the blog layout was, thoughts began to swarm in my groggy mind on how I could make my blog look that awesome. But, then a different thought hit me. What if I wrote a post about waiting? About work? About how things just don't happen overnight? I pushed the thoughts away as I grabbed my devotional, hoping reading a chapter out of it would help me get to sleep.

Opening the book, I began to read. "Oftentimes, when we want change, we want results instantly." I almost grinned. The timing couldn't have been more perfect. This is why I am sitting on my bed at 2:54 AM right now, writing this with prize worthy bags under my eyes and very interesting bedhead.

I know this is something we've all been through. We look at other people's photography, art, writing, blog, faith . . . ect. and think: "Man, I wish I had that." or, "I wish I had that talent." YOU CAN HAVE IT. Your own version of it anyway.

Here's the thing though, it takes time. Everything worth something does. Even learning THAT takes time, a life time actually. I'm eighteen and I feel like I've just begun to realize it. This world loves to believe in the "magic pill." This magic pill will make you lose ten pounds in a week, be a master photographer by reading one blog post, or a faith giant because you followed the five steps to walking faithfully in the Lord.

You know what's funny about this mysterious "magic pill?" It's results don't last too long. Most times you might just find yourself in the exact same place you started, wondering why it didn't work.

Alright, I want you to take a deep breath because I'm about to tell you something radical. The following statement will also be for future Shelby whenever she feels like being a bum and not working.

EVERYTHING TAKES WORK AND TIME.

A lot of work and time. Sometimes it's fun, sometimes it's not. Even with our hobbies, if we want to improve we have to keep practicing.

Keep drawing pairs of eyes until they look remotely similar. Keep playing the frustrating measure of sixteenth notes until it's branded in your brain, keep baking that bread until you remember it needs salt so it doesn't taste like . . . bread without salt, (Hey it's 3 AM guys. I'm not functioning enough to come up with a comparison that'll make you snort. Also, the bread thing is inspired by true events that may or may not involve me.) keep on jumping from that plane until you can sky dive in your sleep. Just throwing random hobbies out there now. If sky diving is one of yours, that's cool. I've never done it before but I know you're probably NOT supposed to do it in your sleep so please don't.

Where was I? Oh yes. Work and time.

Six months ago, I was all kinds of messed up. I was depressed, trying uber hard to be healthy, and was weak in my faith. I wanted change. But, I wanted it without the work and without the time. It was a never ending cycle of me trying out new things to try and get me back on track, then ending up right back where I started.

If you look at any successful person, they might look like they got where they were easily and it all couldn't have been as hard as they said so. But, it is. It really is guys. If you want to be anything or do anything you have to be willing to put time into that baby. Stop reading the "Ten Things That Will Make Your Novel Be Number A #1 New York Time's Bestseller!" Or tempted to read further into the ads that say, "This Detox Changed My L I F E!" Instead, close the laptop, take a deep breath, and start.

Most times, we already know what we want to do. We might even already know how to do it. It's just tempting not to because we're lazy or afraid. Guys, one of the best feelings ever is the feeling of accomplishment. I don't even have to describe the feeling, you're probably already getting it just reading the word.

Time is so precious. It's something that we can't control and never will. I know sometimes we just want to lay on the floor on our phones and let the minutes tick by. But honey, ain't nobody got time for that! We were CREATED to work. God didn't make Adam and say, "You're free to lay around all day and listen to birds chirp in the trees." No, he made Adam then put him to work naming the animals! Hey, and even God took six days to create the universe when he could have just done it with ONE WORD. Our Lord took time to create everything in existence.

Have I convinced you work is important and things take time yet?

I really loved was the description that was used to picture how things take time in my devotional. It went something like this: It would be really strange if we planted some apple seeds and the next day end up with this gorgeous tree covered in blossoms and fruit! Just as that seed takes time to grow into a tree, so do we take time to grow into our better more awesome selves.

Maybe you don't believe change has happened? I didn't until I read my old journal for devotions from only a few years back. One of the entries I found in cringe worthy handwriting said something along the lines of: "God, I love you and please make me a better person." I look at my journal now and sometimes I've used an entire page to pour out my heart to God, telling him what I've been struggling with and asking for him for guidance.

CHANGE IS THERE.

Put in the sweat, work, time, hours, and tears, and I promise you there will be change.

Learning How To Trust & Obey

It's hard. It's messy. It's life.

Let's face it, living a life for God is not easy. But, I've thought many times about what God has said about life, and He never said it would be easy. In fact, he says we will be persecuted and hard times will come. But, you know what's different for those who trust in Him? We live meaningful lives. We live day to day knowing we have been made in the image of an unfathomable messiah who saved us from death. 

There will be sorrow and tears and there will be heartbreak and loneliness. But, maybe God uses these times of brokenness to lead us to him. Maybe God breaks our hearts to piece together a more perfect and faithful you.

He is all powerful and all knowing. He is the Creator we are the creature. All we see is right now. We cannot see what is ahead. But, God can. He sees and he knows. We can trust in Him because it is He who has set us free from the bondage of sin and death and He who gives us life.

This world is broken. This world is sinful. But, there is hope in each sunrise. There is joy in the first breath of a baby. There is love in the eyes of out friends and family. There is beauty in every laugh. There is comfort in every warm embrace. But, nothing compares to the peace in the arms of my Savior and the protection in obedience.

Life is hard. But, a life lived trusting and obeying in the Lord is meaningful.

Lord, today we stand before you broken in heart. Take these shattered pieces of our hearts and create within us a new one that craves for your love and wisdom. Fill every fiber of our souls with your everlasting peace and love. For if all else fails, YOU still remain

Confidence Is Key

When I was 12 years old we traveled to my Aunt and Uncle's home. There I got to hangout with my cousin, Sophie, who is only two weeks older than me. Though we didn't see each other often it only took us ten minutes to become best friends again. Sophie showed me her hobbies of making scarves and headbands out of yarn and jewelry out of wires and beads. I of course thought these hobbies were the height of coolness, so we spent a lot of our time together making all sorts of things with yarn and beads. 

One day on our visit we went to the zoo. I distinctly remember strolling through that big old zoo with a yarn headband, yarn scarf, yarn bracelet, yarn necklace, long bead earrings, and absolute confidence that I looked like a million bucks. I was fabulous, and nobody was going to tell me otherwise. 

Another day I walked along with my Mom and Aunt through the neighborhood over to Sophie's school to watch her practice in a play. I felt so beautiful wearing one of Sophie's orange dresses, long basketball earrings, and yarn scarf. I looked amazing, and nobody was going to tell me otherwise.

Another time we went to go see my cousin, Sal, play in a baseball game. I was so excited for people to see me in the shorts Sophie loaned me. I remember sitting on the grass admiring those bright pink shorts and how they looked so good with my blue shirt covered in rainbows. I was happy.

Today I stood in front of the mirror wearing one of my favorite dresses. It's a dark blue one covered in white polka dots. To me, it looks like a dress someone in the 50s would wear. I love vintage stuff, so of course I fell in love with the vintage look of the dress. The only problem with it is that it shows ever curve and bump I have on my body. I stood for a long time in front of that mirror, looking at how the dress hugged my curves. I did not feel pretty or confident. Thoughts about my high confidence level of 12 came back to me. What ever happened to it? I almost started to cry, but then stopped myself immediately.

"I am a beautiful girl and a child of God," I said out loud, as I ripped off the dress and searched my closet for something else to wear. I was going to be confident today, I had to be. So, I put on another favorite of mine. A flowery blue green dress with a dark yellow sweater, feather earrings, high heels, and some denim shorts underneath. I probably won't be on the next cover of a fashion magazine, but I felt happy wearing something that hid all those bumps and curves.

But, you know what? I got back in the 50s dress. As I was writing this post about my past confidence, it hit me. Why couldn't I have that past confidence again? So, today I am putting that confidence back on. Maybe I'm not wearing yarn necklaces to the zoo, but my confidence is still there. Those bumps and curves I have are beautiful because they were designed by an awesome and powerful God. He knows what true beauty is because he made it.

Girls, if you are feeling down today about the way you look, put on your favorite outfit. Put on something that is YOU. I want ya'll to remember something today, remember that confidence is key. Because when you stroll through the zoo or through the neighborhood with confidence wearing your favorite outfit, people will look at you and think, "Wow, I wish I had her confidence."

So, go get dressed up even if you're not going anywhere at all today and be confident. Because you are beautiful and you are enough.

What Being Healthy Means

Balance.

That's it, it's balance. It's something I've been thinking about a lot this week.

I want you to picture in your mind two teenage girls. The first one has been on at least four different diets, claiming she is fat though she looks quite average. She is trying to be vegan, workouts seven days a week, and if she slips up and eats a cookie then its an extra workout a day to punish herself.  When she goes on vacation, the only thing on her mind is, "How will I eat healthy? and, "I'll get back to my normal self when I'm home," as she allows herself to have ice cream. All this poor girl talks about is health, her weight, how she hates her thighs, and pretty much every part of her body. She doesn't realize it, but all her friends and family do.

Now let's imagine the second girl. This girl eats when she's hungry and stops when she's satisfied. After a meal, it's quickly forgotten as she occupies herself with other things. Sometimes she'll eat chocolate, or maybe some fries. But, she never punishes herself for it. This girl doesn't really like lifting weights or doing burpies, but she loves yoga, Pilates, and running.

She tries to do a few workouts a week because she loves the way they make her feel. When she goes out on vacation, it's about enjoying time with family and the places they go, not about food. Ice-cream, cookies, and fries are eaten on the trip, but in moderation. This girl doesn't really think much about food. She knows what is healthy and she knows what's not. Instead of loving food and letting most of her day revolve around calories and how to burn them off, this girl likes food just fine and enjoys life.

Which girl do you think is having a great life? Plot twist, they are both the same girl. Another plot twist, that girl is me. Well, I haven't yet reached total second girl status yet, but I'm striving too. I can honestly say I am changing and changing for the better. You know how? It's balance. Let me break it down for you.

Balance Is:

Eating reasonable portion sizes
Enjoying food
Working out to reap the benefits it
Spending some time on social media, then putting it away to enjoy other things in life
Being conscious about health and what you put in your body, but not being obsessed with it
Spending time inside but also getting outdoors for a breath of fresh air

Balance Is Not:

"Lose up to 20 pounds in two weeks!!!"
Skipping a meal to make up for eating that brownie last night
Planning out everything you're going to eat the next day as you lie in bed
Getting angry after eating something that wasn't the healthiest and promising yourself you're going to go on a juice cleanse or something to get back on track
Spending hours on social media rather than reading the five unfinished books you started

I could go on. The only diet I have found true and lasting results from is the "Balanced Lifestyle Diet." This is where I say to myself, "Shelby, you are not fat. You are a beautiful young woman. Why? Because you were created by a loving and caring God who made coco beans so that we can have chocolate. So, eat the food God has given to us to enjoy. But, be balanced about it. Enjoy everything in moderation. Be happy because who knows what tomorrow may bring? You only have one body, so I suggest you treat it well and don't call what God made in his image 'fat' or 'ugly.'"

Does it work? Yes. Is it easy? No. Anything worth something will take work to gain. Letting go of these habits and thoughts can be hard. But, just think about that second girl again. I don't know about you, but I'm ready to start training myself to be her. Let's all go on this "Balanced Lifestyle Diet" together. In fact, let's just call it "God's Intended Way for Us To Live." Because God wants us to enjoy his creation, he wants us to be happy with how he made us, and he wants us to enjoy all things in moderation.

Who Defines Beauty?

One thing I love about flowers is that they're all different colors, shapes and sizes, but we don't judge them by how they look. We find beauty in them and appreciate them just the way they are.

If only people could be like that.

There are many things I regret in my life. One of them is looking at fashion magazines, posters, or ads, and being jealous of the model's looks. Their slender legs, perfect jawline, flat stomach, full lips, and graceful collarbone are enough to send those spark of jealousy into a roaring flame of insecurity inside of me. 

"I wish I looked like her, she's probably way happier because she has a thigh gap and flat stomach." I think to myself as I view myself in the mirror, sadly looking at all my flaws.

"I bet the reasons no boys like me is because I'm too fat. That must be why."

"I'm never wearing a swimsuit again. Everyone will laugh at me."

It's actually really sad I sometimes think that way, and I know I'm not alone. So, I want to ask you today, who defines beauty? Is it the girls from those glossy fashion magazine pages? Or perhaps the million dollar movie stars in Hollywood?

Nope, it's not them. Maybe it's that group of girls that are really popular at school. They aren't models, but they're skinnier then me. So, is it them? No, it's not them.

It's us. All of us. 

Our culture is so obsessed with being thin and young, we've nearly lost the idea of what true beauty really is. Since when did the models and movie stars start telling the world that you had to be skinny to be beautiful? And why do we listen to them?

Our eyes are immediately drawn to the attractive looking fashion covers thinking, "If only I looked like that. Then, I would be happy."

You wouldn't.

I am now about to reveal to you a huge secret. Everyone has insecurities and flaws. But, a paid smile and Photoshop does a good job of erasing them. The commercials, ads, and magazines we see are all fake. They're a fantasy the world has created that says, "If you buy our product, you'll look like her."

But, she isn't real. It's a person covered up with makeup, and thinned with Photoshop to create something The world defines as beauty. These models and even normal people you think look perfect have their own flaws too, just like you.

In fact, most people are probably spending more time thinking about the way they look instead of thinking about you. But, why worry about the way you look? You don't look like those models in magazines because you're not them. You're YOU!

Every single person on this earth was created uniquely. We all look a little different from each other. So, why would you want to look like someone else when we're so unique? There is only one of us in the whole world! 

You know what else is amazing about us? Our flaws. Yes, that's right. Nothing on this earth is perfect. But, Hollywood and those magazines tells us otherwise. They create those fake fantasies to draw us in. "This is what beauty is. This is perfection."

They are all lairs.

Our imperfections are part of who we are. But, it's up to you to choose to let them make you weak or stronger.

I hope you choose to be stronger. I've had enough of letting the world define beauty, because I am beautiful just the way I am. I choose to embrace my flaws and let them make me stronger. I choose to be a happy person, because their is so much beauty in joy. 

I am beautiful.

You are beautiful too.

Don't let the world define beauty, because you're already are beautiful just the way you are.

Just Start!

"I'll work on my book after I finish this episode on Netlfix."

"I'll just workout tomorrow instead."

"Okay, if I read two pages in this school book I can have two minutes of social media time."

"I just don't feel like doing it."

If you aren't familiar with at least one of these phrases then congratulations! You don't have a procrastination problem. Unfortunately, I do. 

A big one.

Social media is what causes my procrastination. It's so addicting. All I wanted to do was check Instagram real quick and before I know it I'm four years down someone's Instagram feed. The funny thing is, when I finally turn off my phone and think about all the time I just wasted I don't feel happy or pleased with myself at all. I've accomplished nothing. So, why do I do it?

Something I've noticed for a while now is that starting is hard. Starting on your homework, starting a new chapter in your story, starting a new drawing, or even just getting up off the couch and going for a walk. It's all hard. I find myself wanting to just lay in bed and waste time on Pinterest because I have no motivation to start.

But, surfing on the internet, binge watching Merlin, and eating chocolate and goldfish isn't going to help me get my work done! In fact, it just makes me feel less and less motivated the more I procrastinate! It's like I'm slowly sinking deeper and deeper into this sea of social media and it's pulling me away from all the things I need to get done.

Don't sink.

Don't let the distractions take over. 

You may not feel motivated, but if you just decided to start, it will get so much better. One thing I found really helps me stay focused on my work is putting my phone away. Then, there's not as many distractions and I can work in peace. I just shut it down and hide it somewhere.

Another thing I do is clean my room. It may sound silly, but having a clean room makes me feel so much more motivated to get my work done. It also makes me feel better and happier working in a cleaned up room.

If you just decide to get rid of anything that distracts you it helps so much. My mind clears up and I actually feel a lot happier when I stop the excuses and get to work.

The most important thing you need to remember is to START. Stop making excuses and putting it off. Starting is the hardest part,the rest is cake.

So, I challenge you to get off social media right now. Get off my blog, get off your phone or laptop, and go start doing.

Have a great rest of your week!